Job Hunting Limbo

I've been off work since my contract ended at the end of 2018 and unfortunately the job that I assumed was a sure thing fell through leaving me currently job hunting and hoping something will come up soon.

Job hunting, when unemployed, is always a bit demoralizing as you put yourself out there and wait for responses. Hope someone likes what you have to offer and that you can make a good impression. One thing that I'm extremely grateful though is for our financial position in that I don't need to work, but rather choose to. This gives me the freedom to not stress financially while hunting. However that doesn't take away the feelings of depression that creep in while waiting in limbo for the next next opportunity to start.

I was honestly fine for the first few months, got two verbal offers shortly after starting my search, I decided to go for one of them, however for reasons out of the hiring department's control, everything has been put on hold for the foreseeable future. I'm still hoping that this will work out, but am currently continuing to look for other options.

I'm trying really hard not to dwell on the unfairness or feel the victim in this situation after coming so close, getting the yes from others and then basically having it pulled away. I'm trying to do things I love and bring me joy, things that make my best life, but I'm lacking the motivation and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a bit.  I've never done well with limbo and that is what life feels like again. It's the same limbo I felt when we were struggling with infertility. The inability to enjoy life, make any plans beyond two weeks (depending on where I was in my cycle) and generally feeling stuck in every way. That is where I feel at the moment.

Little comments from others set me off.  I start questioning my worth or what I want in life. At nearly 40 I shouldn't have this much sense of self wrapped up in whether I'm working or not. It's my catch 22 with FI. I have some financial goals I want to hit before I stop working and that is currently being delayed. My kids are still in daycare as I've had a couple opportunities so close that I've needed to maintain my flexibility to start, but that is making me feel a bit of a free-loading mother as I ship my kids off to daycare and sit at home all day. Up until the last month or so I've been very productive in my time off, finishing off many projects I had wanted to do. Now I'm hitting that spiral of checking and re-checking my phone hoping some miracle news will appear. And well while I'm there I might as well waste some time on facebook and other forums. Then I feel worse as I've done nothing.

This period will be a reminder to move beyond a job. FI will give me that freedom, but for now, some days being close feels like a trap. I'm not ready to use my FU money card and just move on. I feel trapped to trying to find another job. My other skills have limited marketable value compared to my day job and I don't think I really want to put in the effort required to make it profitable. That would take away a lot of the enjoyment I find in the process.

So for now, I'm stuck, a bit frustrated, and trying not to let myself get dragged down by a temporary situation. Yesterday, when I wrote most of this post, was a hard day. I went for a bike ride and felt a bit better, but the mood swings can be a bit intense at the moment. I feel on the edge, a small thing will set me off. I went from feeling energized after the activity to being ready to lose it on my kids with the incessant whining during the witching hour, then back to complete love when my two year old started dancing to an upbeat song that came on the radio with a massive smile plastered across his face. I have to hold on to that image and that spark of joy.

Little Bird excited about his 2nd birthday cake. Anything with trucks!

Today, I was able to refocus and get back some motivation.  I've been working on getting a few projects done and finished a couple doormats for wedding gifts. I'll show the generic one, the other one has their last name on it.

This one is for a friend who recently got married but has requested no gifts at her small reception. I don't want to show up empty handed, so hopefully she'll like this little token.

Today I'm back to feeling a bit more productive and better able to see the positives in my current situation. I know this limbo won't be here forever. I don't want to look back at this time and feel like I wasted it. But it's ok to have good days and bad. I know what I need to do to keep my spirits up. It's just harder some days than others.


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